Tuesday, 14 October 2008

(Supposed) Tourist questions about Australia


This is list has been going around for a while but makes a quick blog post on a busy day:

The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are actual responses from website officials, who obviously have a dubious sense of humour.

Q. Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK)
A. We import all plants fully grown then just sit around and watch them die.

Q. Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A. Depends on how much you've been drinking.

Q. I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railway tracks? (Sweden)
A. Sure, it's only 3,000 miles, take lots of water.

Q. Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A. So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q. Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A. What did you last slave die of?

Q. Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A. A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is the big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not.. oh forget it. .... Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q. Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A. Face south then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send you the rest of the directions.

Q. Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A. Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q. Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A. Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys' Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q. Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A. You're a British politician, right?

Q. Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round?(Germany)
A. No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q. Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A. Rattlesnakes live in Am-eri-ca which is were YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q. I have a question about a famous animal that lives in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees.(USA)
A. It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q. Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A. No, we don't smell.

Q. I have developed a new product that is the Fountain of Youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A. Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q. Can you tell me the regions of Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A. Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q. Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A. Only at Christmas.

Q. Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A. Yes, but you will have to learn it first.


  1. Dang! I tried to call you while I was there.
    Got a fast plane trip to Kings Cross to see the Hippo races.
    Went naked.
    Lots of people just standing around watching me, but, I guess I was too late for the race. Didn't see hippo #1.

    Oh well, planes leaving, now....

    See ya.

    (and, btw, thanx.)

  2. That is hilarious Lee, I think most of the world and especially Americans think we are a bunch of backward hicks and some of these answers here dont help either. :) ♥

  3. No. You made this up.
    (Is that true about Australian snakes?)

  4. Actually, I wouldn't have too much trouble there (once i got my clothes back on, of course)

    Turns out that with my polite manners, nice smile, and constant brandishing of stupid jokes, folks take pride in shuffling me the heck out of their hair and on my way to a different station.


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