Saturday, 26 July 2008

Communications - now and then.

Being on the highest point around, the castle has communications equipment on it.

The old way of communicating.

1 comment:

  1. Lee;

    Desperation makes for some strange bed fellows it would seem. I am reaching out to you and also to Pauline and Judith, the folks who meam most to Rebecca.

    All of you know the wonder that was Rebecca and me. All of you followed the accounts of our adventures and love. All of you and indeed anyone who came close to us were infected with the joy and pleasure that we felt in one another's company. For the three years that we walked and talked every day, telling one another everything we knew about ourselves and answering questions about things we had perhaps never considered about ourselves. It was three years of honest disclosure and baring of our souls ........even to the extent that we both dared to tell the other the things that we haboured deeply and had never been willing to put to words even as we stood alone at the mirror in the mornings. It was real. It was honest. It was as deeply self disclosing as any two persons could ever be I think. It was certainly not without its bumps in the road when one or the other would let the other down in some way. And yet, the love, the desire, the brilliant horizon always brought us back.

    In April we finally completed the purchase of our new beautiful jewelbox condo and oh the happiness that brought us both. Yes it was marred with the fact that my ex backed out on providing me with a quit claim which put a pall on the whole deal but again our spirit over came the issue and we moved forward.

    It was not until April 25th when, confronted with the inevitable and Rebecca found that certain female she wanted and that relationship began that things began to fall apart. Confronted with Leslie in our lives I was forced to look at what I had professed to believe about polyamory and it turned out to be a much bigger struggle for me than I had any notion it could be. Notwithstanding though, Rebecca was happy with her lover, and Rebecca was filled up and replenished with the energy and love that they shared and for the most part I got to benefit from that. BUT, I also struggled with knowing where I stood and that my place in the relationship was assured. I am not very good at articulating my needs and questions when I'm afraid and felt stuck between two poles:

    1) If I expressed my concern and fear would I make a lie of all the hours we had spent over the last 3 years talking about how we believed in polyamory?
    2) When I felt like I needed to ask for reassurance, I felt that this was something I had to struggle with on my own, afterall hadn't I said that yes I agree in principle with an open relationship.

    What happened for me was that the fear and anxiety and sense of loss just got stuffed away somewhere deep in my gut where it compounded daily, until on three occasions it overspilled and Leslie, or Rebecca and I had nasty words. I wish to God that I could take back the words and I know I hurt my lover badly with the vehemence. I make no excuse fot the manner in which I handled it. I only ask for understanding that it was more than I could do alone and I felt very much alone as it seemed impossible to get Rebecca to help me understand where I stood and that that place where she held me was as solid as it had always been, perhaps more so. My own fear kept me from hearing as clearly as possible. I hung on Rebecca, thinking that if I was close to her at least I would feel her love, see those looks of love and desire and frienship and support I had always seen in the past.

    It is unfortunate that in June, one month into Rebecca's relationship with Leslie I found a lump in my breast. It scared us both very much and as a matter of fact it turned out to be a very aggressive breast cancer which by the size of the tumour ought to have been much further along and metastatic at least through my lymph system. I underwent a double mastectomy on June 25th and that alone has had deep consequences which I am struggling with. The body image simply as a man quite apart from the process that I had finally allowed myself to explore in becoming more of the woman I have always been here deep inside and hidden away. The sudden realization that I will never have those breasts that the doctor in Seattle thought possible, the scars and visual changes to my torso.................all too painful and a process I am very much still grappling with. This issue spilled over into our love also. I couldn;t bear to look at myself in the mirror and was terrified that Rebecca would never see me as that "beautiful man" and sexually responsive "woman" she had loved the last 4 years rocked my confidence deeply. Could she still love the woman in me, or would that be a place where Leslie would move into? Would I lose the particular manner of loving that only Rebecca and I ever knew where she could and did often make love to Julie (me) and where Julie (me) would respond in completely feminine ways. Was that lost to us? How could I ask Rebecca when just to try and form the words in my mind causes my throat to seal shut.

    Three days after my mastectomy I had another heart attack. Rebecca had a date scheduled with Leslie that evening and as we sat over our morning coffee I actually considered not telling Rebecca that I was in pain and that I thought I was having a heart attack. I did not want to interfere with her date and wanted so much to support her and was afraid that if I told her I was having a heart attack she would construe it to be brought about by my own stress and desire for her not to see Leslie that evening. It was not that but I am sure that Rebecca believes it was.

    Lee I needed someone to say these things to. I cannot say them to Rebecca just now as she saw fit to use the law to remove me from the house instead of trusting me and herself enough to ask for a time out. Now I am precluded from addressing these things with her.

    I think though that there is a positive to all this.

    1) I have sought out anti depressants from my family doc and they are beginning to stabilize
    2) I sought out sleep aides from my family doc as I had not been sleeping more than an hour or so in a night and my mental and emotional abilities were becoming severely distorted through sleep deprivation. That too is beginning to resolve and I am sleeping.
    3) Since Rebecca met Leslie I lost 30 pounds. I found I could barely choke food down and dropped from a healthy weight of 160 which I had been for years previously to 130. I am slowly recovering that as well.

    A) I have a six month lease here in my little apartment. I will not break that lease.
    B) I have a new therapist to help me work through the things that have happened and find a place of peace in my soul.

    1) I would want Rebecca to consider meeting me once a week for just that hour and working with me and the therapist to see if we can heal the short term damage we have done. I recognize that as soon as the counseling session is done each week she will go back to her own life about which is none of my business unless and until she were to decide to make it my business.

    My deep and abiding prayer is that Rebecca learn these things about me and where I am emotionally and spiritually right now. I TRULY believe that we CAN find a new fresh, CLEAN, bright, mature relationship beyond the fear and past the healing that can happen.

    I have tried to put these thoughts together and put them on her blog knowing she will not publish them but that she may just read them. I wonder, if you feel that I am being honest with you, might you ............. I don't know.

    What I DO KNOW is this. I LOVE THIS WOMAN!!! and there is NOTHING I won't do to search out a future with her. I cannot even imagine my life without her in it.

    Pray for me Lee. Pray for us.

    Perhaps you would write?

    In Peace;



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