Friday, 14 January 2011

That's not a Tweet. THIS is a Tweet

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Tracy McCormick,
Unites States Department of Justice.

Dear Tracy,

I see that you have filed with the United States District Court for the Eastern District of Virginia (Alexandra Division) to learn, from Twitter, my name, my mail, residential and business addresses and my email addresses.

To save you time I have included my address at the bottom of this email. You will, with limited IT stress, be able to ascertain my email address from this email in the normal manner.

Your request for session times and durations is more puzzling as generally twitter posts seems to arrive with the minimum of time or duration. Is ‘negligible’ an acceptable response? Please advise.

The length of service and types of service request is also a puzzle. My first ever ‘tweet’ was April 14th 2010 where I shook my fist at the media for their misuse of the word ‘heroes’. My Wikileaks subscription will have been after that but it is hard to tell exactly when. Does it matter? Actually all my tweets have been poking fun (or disgust) at The Age newspaper and have been sent from my computer, not my phone. Does this make you feel any better?

My telephone numbers are at the bottom of this email. Should you assign an agent to record messages in and out I would appreciate any hint you may pick up that my wife is having an affair with the milkman. I have my suspicions, you understand, and as you will be monitoring the home phone it would be a service to me to find out if he is servicing her; if you get my drift.

Payment is a strange question as I believe Twitter is free. Well, free-ish, I do need internet connection to use it. Would the details of my Optusnet account help? Please advise.

Finally, should I be deemed a worthy case for extraordinary rendition, I travel to work down Middleborough Road (Blue Honda Civic Hybrid) and come home down Elgar Road. Should I leave the windows open? I do have some lovely stained glass in my front doors. Could I request that the agents knock rather than use the oh-so-cliched sledge-hammers. They are so 1960, so Soviet-bloc. Finally can I say that the orange of your jumpsuits is just not me. Can I request powder blue?

As custodian of the keys to the home of the brave and the land of the free, I hope and trust that you are appreciative of my efforts to make your position and actions be seen as exactly as what they are.

Yours in disbelief,

Lee Kennedy.
...

16 comments:

  1. They cannot be serious, can they really request this information? :(

    Good luck, powder blue is definitely more your colour!

    xoxoxo ♡

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  2. You forgot to ask them if they could decipher your long distance calling plan for you.

    Heck, before they can get your records they will have to determine who supplies the service. Even that would be helpful and might eliminate the milkman.

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  3. Hoping you will publish her response ;)

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  4. By my reckoning that was about 17 tweets, concatenated into one serious chirp.

    You do seem intent on giving the milkman unfettered access to your wife while you enjoy the fettered containment of the Justice Department, don't you!

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  5. JCN: Mmmm....I hadn't thought about that.

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  6. u know so much more bout what the hell is going on in my country; maybe i should get a subscription to your local paper. :D

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  7. did you give them your shoe size as well?
    I dislike the USA government even more now.

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  8. My first response was "No way!" but then, sadly, I remembered the way things work here now. sigh.

    Truly astonishing, saddening and scary.

    The world has gone mad. Rather, certain parts of it have gone mad.

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  9. It still beasts me what they hope to do with the information. What use is knowing the personal details of all subscribers to Wikileaks Twitter feed? Surely just a form of harassment. Or is it more sinister? They already have my photo and fingerprints on file from when I was in transit through Miami going from (shock) Cuba to Ireland. Probably never get into the US now.

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  10. Celia: Shows my age. Would "Jim's Mowing" fit better. (Be careful how you answer that.)

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  11. I'll be glad when terrorists like you are put away. Gotta be safe here in the land of the free.

    Jeez, there's an idiot born every minute and it seems like our government is employing most of them. My heartfelt apology; when we got rid of Bush2 I was hoping we wouldn't be doing things like this any more.

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  12. Good read, on par with those Nigerian letters series.

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  13. It's just part of the new job creation plan. Think of all the people they have to hire to read all those tweets!

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  14. Actually, in my low level of employment, I could get in trouble for reading classified info if I do not have the right clearance. Yes, we were all warned not to peek at the leaks.

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