Unites States Department of Justice.
I see that you have filed with the United States District Court for the Eastern District of Virginia (Alexandra Division) to learn, from Twitter, my name, my mail, residential and business addresses and my email addresses.
To save you time I have included my address at the bottom of this email. You will, with limited IT stress, be able to ascertain my email address from this email in the normal manner.
Your request for session times and durations is more puzzling as generally twitter posts seems to arrive with the minimum of time or duration. Is ‘negligible’ an acceptable response? Please advise.
The length of service and types of service request is also a puzzle. My first ever ‘tweet’ was April 14th 2010 where I shook my fist at the media for their misuse of the word ‘heroes’. My Wikileaks subscription will have been after that but it is hard to tell exactly when. Does it matter? Actually all my tweets have been poking fun (or disgust) at The Age newspaper and have been sent from my computer, not my phone. Does this make you feel any better?
My telephone numbers are at the bottom of this email. Should you assign an agent to record messages in and out I would appreciate any hint you may pick up that my wife is having an affair with the milkman. I have my suspicions, you understand, and as you will be monitoring the home phone it would be a service to me to find out if he is servicing her; if you get my drift.
Payment is a strange question as I believe Twitter is free. Well, free-ish, I do need internet connection to use it. Would the details of my Optusnet account help? Please advise.
Finally, should I be deemed a worthy case for extraordinary rendition, I travel to work down Middleborough Road (Blue Honda Civic Hybrid) and come home down Elgar Road. Should I leave the windows open? I do have some lovely stained glass in my front doors. Could I request that the agents knock rather than use the oh-so-cliched sledge-hammers. They are so 1960, so Soviet-bloc. Finally can I say that the orange of your jumpsuits is just not me. Can I request powder blue?
As custodian of the keys to the home of the brave and the land of the free, I hope and trust that you are appreciative of my efforts to make your position and actions be seen as exactly as what they are.
Yours in disbelief,