Happy Burns Night!
No, not the result of a badly planned Australia Day BBQ, Robbie Burns, the Scottish poet.
A couple of Scottish jokes to celebrate:
A lodger in a Scottish guest house in Milngavie, near Glasgow, was on his way to the bathroom carrying his shaving gear, when the landlady stopped him and said, 'Have you got a good memory for faces, Mr MacGregor?'
'Och aye,' Mac replied.
'That's just as well,' she said, 'because there's no mirror in the bathroom.'
Scotland - The home of golf
Sign at a Scottish golf course: 'Members will refrain from picking up lost balls until they have stopped rolling.'
At an auction in Glasgow a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing £10,000 [$20,000USD] and would give a reward of £100 to the person who found it.
From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, 'I'll give £150.'
Winters can be extremely cold in northern Scotland, so the owner of the estate felt he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his farm worker, Archie.
Noticing, however, that Archie wasn't wearing the earmuffs even on the coldest day, the owner asked, 'Didn't you like the earmuffs I gave you?' Archie replied, not wishing to upset his employer, 'Och, they are a wondrous thing.'
'Then why don't you wear them then?'
Archie explained, 'I was wearing them the first day, but somebody offered to buy me a drink and I didnae hear him.'
Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who was heading out to the pub? He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, 'Jackie - put your hat and coat on lassie.'
She replied, 'Awe Iain that's nice - are you taking me to the pub with you?'
'Nae, just switching the central heating off while I'm oot.'