Vertebrae & Beans

My back mends slowly, but mends. It reminds me of some years ago when I had another back problem. It was characterised by the back feeling okay but occasionally, unexpectedly, pinching a nerve. The immediate effect was that the pain would make me sink to my knees briefly. That action released the nerve and I could stand up and continue what I was doing. Quite bizarre but manageable. The staff got quite used to seeing me walk across the laboratory and do this strange genuflect as if ducking from an imaginary sniper and then continue on as if nothing had happened.

At that time I found the above packet of jelly beans in a store and had written to the manufacturer, lamenting that even though I had eaten the beans I was none the wiser for it.

The letter tickled the fancy of the manufacturer and a small correspondence ensued that resulted in the Managing Director delivering a box of jelly beans to my work. I received the message that he was in reception and headed down stairs to greet him. I reached the bottom of the stairs and as I turned into reception my back pinched the nerve and I sank to my knees in front of the somewhat startled man.

"It's OK", I said "It is a traditional and quite respectful chemist's greeting to a man holding a large box of jelly beans."

What else could I say?
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Unveiling a beauty.

Jean-Léon Gérôme, Phryne before the Areopagus 1861.

This painting seems most apt for this post.

Firstly, it is of Phryne the courtesan, my wished for 'grand romance' in my responses to one of Lillie's interview questions. The story that goes with the painting is a fascinating one: Phryne had been accused of profanity. When it seemed as if the verdict would be unfavourable, her counsel tore off her robes. The sight of her beauty so moved the judges that they acquitted her.

Secondly, Lillie has revealed another beauty in a comment posted to my interview answers. She says that she also asked Cosmo Newbery a set of questions and that he is answering them in a most individual way, presumably the only way he can. Some of you may recall that Cosmo, Percy and a dog, K9, had a poetry duel last year in which I figured quite prominently as the subject. Oh yes, the dog won.

Sorry for a bit of a 'fill-in' post - my studies are a pain in the neck and my back is a pain in the back. Both are improving.
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Urgent: Product recall.

My back has been niggling this weekend. It reminded me of a letter I wrote a while ago to the ACCC (The Australian Competition & Consumer Commission) to initiate a product recall, due to God's shoddy design of the human back.

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Dear Sir,

I have watched with interest and admiration as the ACCC has taken on the high and mighty and wrought justice for the common man, often seemingly against the odds. Bravo!

I feel it is time that the ACCC took on the highest and mightiest, the ultimate multinational that has shown no respect for the individual and quite callously distributed shoddy material to the general populace for far, far too long.

God.

Now my principle gripe is with the design, reliability and lack of service and support that relate to the human back. It is clearly a second rate design, poorly thought out, badly produced and all attempts at getting in touch with the service department have fallen on deaf ears.

There is a compelling case for a product recall.

I would urge you to take up this case on behalf of myself and all others who suffer from the negligence of this all too aloof manufacturer. No other manufacturer would be allowed to foist such shoddy merchandise on the public. It's time for a day of reckoning.

And don't think that you cannot do it. Sure he's big, but after the EPA slapped an order on him a few millennia back there has been a mark reduction in world-wide floods, parting of seas, plagues of locusts and sundry pestilence, and the ecologically damaging down-porings of manna. And smiting has been reduced to next do nothing.

You'll certainly have my backing.

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The ACCC replied:

Thank you for your letter of 14 November regarding faults with the human back.

You allege that God has been negligent in regard of the design, reliability and service of the human back.

The Australian Competition and Consumer Commission (ACCC) administers the Trade Practices Act 1974 which applies to corporations who are engaged in 'trade or commerce'.

Generally issues of theology do not raise matters of trade or commerce and consequently the ACCC is unable to investigate your complaint.

Thank you for bringing this matter to our attention.

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I had a second attempt:

Thank you for your reply to my letter regarding the urgent need to slap a product recall notice on that most dubious entrepreneur God, slum landlord and supplier of shoddy backs.

I feel more than a little disappointed that you did not take up the challenge.

I am not familiar with the wording of the Trade Practices Act 1974 but I am sure that it requires you to perform your duties without fear or favour, providing consumer protection from the purveyors of fine snake oil, regardless of whether they hand it down from the cloud covered mountain tops or flog it door to door.

You state in your letter that God is not engaged in 'trade or commerce' and that this is why he does not come under the umbrella of the Trade Practices Act 1974.

I disagree.

Man was, we are told, made in God's image. Badly made, I contend. This sure smacks of the ill-considered franchise 'opportunities' found in the back pages of the business section of the daily papers. If not a franchise then this is a pyramid deal of enormous dimensions.

Jesus, currently the Operations Manager - World Wide (formerly Regional Manager - Galilee), when asked what he was doing in the temple replied "Wist ye not that I must be about my Father's business?"

This confession alone should be enough for you to get stuck into Him.

I urge you to reconsider your decision.

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Silence from the gentlemen of the ACCC.

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